Navigating my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
